Review LXXXIX
Alien (1979)
As like everyone, my horror film interest spiked in my teenage years. Probably one of the first horror films I watched was Halloween, which I hated. After that, I made it my mission to watch as many classic slasher-horror films as possible to see if the other classics were as bad as Halloween. I stopped after Friday the 13th, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and A Nightmare on Elm Street. While I really enjoyed A Nightmare on Elm Street, screw every other film. They were annoying, badly written, and just out to jump scare me. I don't completely condemn jump scares, but really, if that's all I get, along with characters I hate, I have nothing. After watching some sequel to Hellraiser (watch the original - Clive Baker totally had it!), I realised I liked the gore aspect more than anything, which brought me to zombie movies. I moved away from anything not zombie, catching Silent Hill and other generic shit every so often and, consequently, completely regretting it. This led to me feeling wary every time someone brought up Ridley Scott's Alien. "But Alex, you must see the scene from the alien pops out of the guy's stomach!" I saw the bit in Spaceballs - good enough for me. Until, of course, I was dragged into watching it. I erred and ummed, but when my boyfriend said he liked Aliens, the flippin' sequel to Alien, I had to check it out. I was reluctant, but maybe I was really missing out on a goldmine...
The year is 2XXX, and a space crew (consisting of Captain Dallas (Tom Skerritt), Executive Officer Kane (John Hurt), Chief Engineer Parker (Yaphet Kotto), Engineering Technician Brett (Harry Dean Stanton), Navigator/Helmsman Lambert (Veronica Cartwright), Science Officer Ash (Ian Holm), and Warrant Officer Ripley (Sigourney Weaver)) is on their way home, frozen in stasis until they reach a reasonable distance from home. But they're woken up early. What could be the cause? A distress signal from - could it be - an alien? The crew sets off to find out more about this alien form. However, the signal turns out to be a warning, and soon Kane is infected and the crew is faced with a bigger problem than originally anticipated.
This movie, this movie... Okay, it was not as bad as Texas Chain Saw Massacre if only because the effects were cool and legit. But the plot. Oh god, the plot. Okay, okay, let me back up. Let's compliment it first. Alien, as mentioned, had some pretty cool effects. I mean, I wouldn't go and say it was the best I've seen, but given it was 1979, it was able to come across as not super cheesy even with the whole "in space" bit. I give it that. The shredded condoms, the sheep's stomach, the intestines used to make everything were worth it because it looked cool. The alien egg? Pretty nifty! The facehugger alien? I liked it. The chestburster? Hello phallusism! It went downhill. I didn't mind it, but I guess I found it looked cheesy at this point. When the thing ran across the table, I died. Oh man, I died. It was hilarious. But really, the whole exploding bit was cool. I liked it. I felt bad for John Hurt, but at the same time, didn't at all because he was a complet- no, not yet. Let's not rant yet. The final alien was also legit. It looked cool. Granted, the small, extendable mouth was a tad on the funny side when you see it extract out, but the idea was cool. The creativity and the ingenuity of making each stage of the alien was grand. I liked it. It was new, it was cool. The film totally deserved the academy award it got for effects. And the little relation to the Aztec space jockey, nice, nice. I can see all the interesting ideas that exist for the alien species. I've been told about it, and I've even read up on it myself (Weyland-Yutani, you're hilarious). I really can see all the effort put into this, and I think it paid off. I really do. I could totally watch this film again...
... But the movie made me rage. Everyone, and I do mean every human being, was an idiot. A complete IDIOT. Want me to break it down completely? I doubt you want to hear me complain for so long. But I'll give you little bits. NUMBER ONE. They get this mysterious signal coming from a nearby planet. "'Kay, must be a distress signal, lezz go." They send Dallas, Kane, and Lambert down. No problem. Except when Ripley finally asks Ash if she can check out the signal. Oh, look, binary! It's actually decipherable (albeit freakin' tedious), especially since Ripley is a master at the bare-bones of hardware. So what does Ripley find out? "Hey, this is actually a warning." Now, fine, I understand a certain excitement at finally finding an alien species. But SERIOUSLY. You LEFT the SHIP before even DECIPHERING the SIGNAL, ESPECIALLY since it takes Ripley FIVE minutes to figure it out. Screw it. This can be explained - spoilers a bit - given Ash's motives of deceiving the crew later on for reasons I won't explain. But I don't give a shit. There are how many kids besides Ash? Six. None of them questioned the fact that they didn't know why they were being sent out. Wait, no, the plot wields it! Okay, fine. Whatever.
Next issue. Kane, Dallas, and Lambert head off to check out this alien signal. They come across the Aztec space jockey (oh, pretty face and lights) and explore. Hmm... seems a bit unsafe, but what can you do? I mean, if anything were to happen, it's okay, they could totally fly awa- oh, wait, they can't. When they landed, their ship exploded or something. Anyway, it's being fixed by Brett and Parker. Well, it's fine. They'll be okay (ignore the warning signal bit here). They travel around until Kane sees an opening, a tunnel, leading downward. "Hey, guys, a tunnel! See yaz!" He heads down. Fine. They gotta explore. I mean, they come in, guns flashing. If they were to meet an innocent species - first contact, first impressions ("I don't believe in first impressions"), I might add - and blew their heads off, well, that might be kinda bad. Protocol seems... odd. But whatever. Anyway, Kane heads down. Apparently hot as a tropical forest. Then he spots eggs. Now, imagine you're in the Amazon. You spot eggs about the size of your torso. Would you, one, take your distance and/or run away, two, try and contact an expert of the forest or use the super computer just five minutes away to assess the situation, or three, go up to it, shine light on it, see it MOVING, and stick your face in the hole that opens up? If you choose three, congratulations! You have been chosen to work on the spaceship Nostromo! It's just... who would do this except a completely ignorant person? No one. Because seriously, you have a gun, but the gun is gone all of a sudden, and when you stick your face in the hole, your gun is of no use to you. And guess what happens to Kane? WELL, SHIT, HE GETS ATTACKED. What a FREAKIN' surprise. I could keep ranting, but you get the point. You get the point that, at every turn, at every corner, at every moment they could do something cautiously, carefully, they don't. "Quarantine those suckers!" Don't. "Stick together!" They immediately separate. Granted, some things can be explained given Ash's motives, as I mentioned, but sometimes, they were stupid. Sometimes you can say that, though one guy was maybe against something, there were still six other people to think rationally. But whatever. Just whatever.
My next issue is, well, a personal one. Probably most wouldn't care, but seriously, the growth rate of the alien? Ri-dic-ulous. The facehugger to chestburster? Fine. It was fast as shit, but fine. But chestburster to full on alien form? What? The thing shed some skin. It didn't shed enough. To get that big, the crew should have found a room full of old skin. That thing grew from phallus size to larger than a human in five minutes or less. An exaggeration, but seriously, I didn't like that part. It went too quickly. It should have been longer. My boyfriend argued, "No, it scares the audience because it shows that you never know what stage the alien will be at." That is true, but the human form was the largest. We got small, small, final form. Show it transform. Don't just show it as a final form. It was too meh. I was like, "Damn, the amount of energy that creature used up to get that huge." It's science fiction, but as I said, this was more personal. I was not accepting of this. I didn't like it. Point final.
Alien had some nice shots, the effects were legit, and the creativity behind it was cool. But the plot was stupid. Everyone was stupid. I can't say I'm that upset or surprised, but seriously, while I like Ripley Scott's idea of "manbirth" and showing rape on the man's side, if the plot had been given as much thought as the effects, it could have been awesome. I can see why people still watch it to this day - versus Friday the 13th which was horrendous - but seriously, that plot. I'm out.
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