Review CVIII - Guardians of the Galaxy

Review 108
Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)

I happened upon James Gunn's Guardians of the Galaxy probably around the time it came out in theatres. I was blown away by the rating - how was it so high? I had barely heard of this film - though I never go outside apparently as I would later find out - and here it had this amazing rating. I didn't trust it, so I never checked it out. However, after hearing about even more praise from a reviewer, I asked my boyfriend to sit down with me and watch the blockbuster smash starring Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista, Vin Diesel, and Bradley Cooper, along with some notable appearances from Glenn Close, Benicio Del Toro, Peter Serafinowicz, and John C. Reilly.

Peter Quill's (Chris Pratt) mother dies from cancer in 1988 and, after running out of the hospital (because that's how we convey our sadness in every film), he's taken in by a group of galactic mercenaries. Twenty-six years later, he finds himself in quite a situation when he steals an orb which may harvest more power than he ever imagined.

Let me summarise this film in one word: shit. Let me summarise it in one sentence: It's another typical, rip-off, money-grabbing, shitty Marvel film pushing the latest social agendas to today's kids and adults. But let's elaborate. I'll be spoiling the film, so you've been warned. First, what do I mean by rip-off? Check out the poster I found. Remind you of anything? Here's a hint. The bad guy in the film is straight-up Darth Maul/Darth Vader. Prison-break scene, kind of like rescuing Princess Leia. I don't even like Star Wars, but I see this, and I've only seen two of the films of the series. The Star Wars series is not the only thing it rips off. It rips off this whole Lord of the Rings idea with the whole orb killing everything it can with the one who possesses the power. And even I know this and I've only seen two Lord of the Rings films. Guardians of the Galaxy doesn't even try to mask this - it's just rip-off after rip-off. They also make a reference to Star Trek too with one of the characters (vulcans and whatever that tattoo guy was), but of course the film makers do this because they know people liked those ideas and so they recycle it in a new film where the masses get everything they want in one film. But c'mon, be creative! This is a film that's getting a super high rating? It has no originality - it just does the same thing as every other galaxy/fantasy film released by Hollywood. Please. Guys.

I didn't know this film was a Marvel film until just before watching it. I think if I would have seen that, I would have realised why the film had such a high rating. Marvel films went from just films watched by the comic-book fans to loved by the adolescent girls on social media. I don't know how it happened, but I think it started with Iron Man and slowly became this huge thing with the Avengers series. The CEOs and film developers saw a way to make money and they're attempting to squeeze out any sequel possible in order to make more money. But I didn't know anything about these guardians. Maybe it was legit, like Howard the Duck (I don't read comic books if you couldn't tell except for the occasional one). I decided to check it out, and excuse me if I'm wrong in my information - I quickly checked out Wikipedia. Basically these "guardians of the galaxy" were part of some Marvel superheros bit back in 1969 that eventually got its own-titled run. But guess what? There was some revamp thing going on in 2008, the same year that Iron Man the movie came out. I don't know if this is just coincidence, but my paranoid side makes me think they saw opportunity in this series, with its male and female protagonists, and brought it back so there would be a reason to make a film later on, assuming the Iron Man/Avengers series came to stardom like they hoped. I'm probably stretching it, but honestly, you never know.

So yeah, this film is unoriginal, it's a typical Marvel film, but is it really that bad? I never saw any of the Iron Man movies, nor any Avengers movies. I started watching Captain America: The Winter Soldier, but I dropped it so fast, I got a little past the running scene at the beginning and that was it. I obviously don't like them. I admit, I went into Guardians of the Galaxy being super biased, but if it would have offered something, anything, I was willing to accept it. Nope. This film stars some asshole main character who I don't care for. He doesn't take his mother's hand and she instantly dies (what a coincidence), so he regrets it for his whole life. He's left unattended where he then proceeds to run outside into a foggy field. Where is this hospital located? Why the fog? Why does everyone leave him alone? His mother just died. You can't get shittier writing than this. But it gets even better when you see how he's some smart-ass adult who sleeps around (of course), but yet has the most amazing talent I've ever seen. Remind me of Iron Man? You betcha. Then the racoon, the wood guy, the girl... Just replace the film with any of the Avengers shit and you're set. You are so set. It's recycled crap, guys! The humour, stupid. The dialogue, crap. The prison system, ridiculous. Men and women in the same prison? How about no. Strong-independent-woman-who-don't-need-no-man-except-when-she-craves-the-D? Check! A poor, educated racoon (unlike the educated owl from The Sword in the Stone), showing how testing on animals is bad? Check. Environment? Groot. Check. It's pushing a bunch of stuff the masses support just to get views. I just... whatever. The colours were drab too. I didn't see anything interesting going on. It was boring for my eyes. The CGI, fine, it was nice, but that doesn't make a film. It just looks like CGI. This is a live-action, not an animated film.

I didn't finish the film - I got an hour in - but I won't finish it. The film is garbage. It doesn't deserve the high rating it got. Maybe it's loyal to the comic books; however, I can only judge it from a watch. And it doesn't even deserve it. Avoid it. And did I mention they're making a sequel? 'Nough said.