Review CXXX - Watchmen

Review 130
Watchmen (2009)

I remember watching Zack Synder's Watchmen when it first came out, although I remember the preparation a lot more. I had already seen V for Vendetta (I read the graphic novel years later) and promised myself I would read Watchmen before watching the film to walk in ready and expecting. I ordered it a month before the release date of the film, and by the time I got it, I scrambled to finish it. But if you want to take in Watchmen - the graphic novel, I mean - you have to take the time to read it. I also know I was too young to really understand the messages of the book, kind of like I'm sure I would capture a lot more of V for Vendetta now than when I read it almost three years ago. Anyway, all that to say, I rushed through Watchmen, watched the movie, shrugged my shoulders, and called it okay. Recently, on a night where I was too excited to sleep as I recently got a job offering in another city for the summer, I picked Watchmen off my shelf and decided to give it a serious read. Holy. Shit. That thing is full of messages that are still applicable to this day. Globalisation, fetishism, heroism, degradation of a culture, and others that are maybe a little less obvious. Alan Moore, the writer who also wrote V for Vendetta, really had his shit going on! I'm still missing some of the finer details of Watchmen after spending another sleepless night finishing it off, but seriously, that thing is a piece of work. I wouldn't say it's fantastic - sometimes a bit lengthy in text for my liking, and the art form is not my favourite - but it's damn close. All that to say, I decided to check out the film again.

Superheros, once seen with gleaming eyes, have since been outlawed, leaving, mostly, only the retired and the ones working for the government. However, when a famous masked man, Edward Blake aka the Comedian (Jeffrey Dean Morgan - the Supernatural dad! He'll always be John Winchester to me) is murdered, society will ask once and for all: who watches the watchmen?

I always feel a little guilty when I hate on a film just because it differs from the book. I mean, sometimes I think the changes are justified, but it's true that I often just say, "But the book was this way and I didn't get the guy I wanted!" (read: Watership Down) But sometimes a movie can stand on its own, like The Shining, which, honestly, takes on a completely different meaning (read: everything) from the book. I originally hated on The Shining, but I have since made my amends with Stanley Kubrick and bow to his expertise. But I am happy to say that my complaints from Watchmen are not based on differences from the graphic novel because really, the movie is a copy paste, except for the ending and switching around some dialogue. But seriously. When Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley) leaves Dan Dreiberg/Nite Owl (Patrick Wilson - the Insidious dad! Whaaat!) after eating some beans and Dreiberg's like, "Why don't I see you anymore?" (not verbatim) and Rorschach's all, "You quit," Dreiberg sits down on the floor and takes off his glasses. Exactly as he does in the graphic novel. And I mean, I'm not complaining. They were adapting from a visual novel, so you literally see all the important scenes and can reenact them exactly. Would I have wanted it differently? Well, the book does a great job, so I'm fine with the copy paste. I don't think huge fans really wanted to see it changed - they wanted a faithful adaptation. I mean, the movie was THREE HOURS, a bit excessive, but you got what you wanted, apart from some extra characters and little stories in between. And yes, I will address the different ending - I know, after seeing Watchmen that some guys were damn pissed off by the change in the ending. I don't know why the writers and director decided to get rid of the giant octopus. My guess is it probably would have looked cheesy, and they were looking to keep the film more dark. Although they did put the lion hybrid mutation creature... Yeah, I don't know. But whatever, I can see the energy burst Adrian Veidt/Ozymandias (Matthew Goode) sent working fine for the purposes of the film.

Well, I guess I will complain a little bit because our heroes from the graphic novel cannot speak... Yeah, I hated the (men's) voices. Especially Dr. Manhattan (Billy Crudup) - I wanted a much more manly sounding voice. Rorschach bothered me. It was like Batman from The Dark Knight, and I didn't like that voice, so really, it was just bad. They said his voice was monotone in the book - not raspy and smoker's cough. Dan Dreiberg was... okay. But he sounded so awkward and nerdy, it was overblown. I also didn't really like the actors chosen. Malkin Akerman was fine, I liked her. Jeffrey Dean Morgan was cool too. But Rorschach? No. Dr. Manhattan? No - the face, as well as that shitty body (Okay, be built, but those muscles looked like shit and I hated it). Dan Dreiberg? Ehhh, okay, but the nerdiness was way too overplayed - I hated it. Adrian Veidt? No.

But you know why maybe I hated everyone? Because the acting sucked. How can such a big-budget film have such shitty, god-awful, boring, uninspired actors and actresses? I was clawing out my eyes for every word spoken. Not a single person delivered a good line. I feel like they all showed up, looked down at the script, and read. It was bad. Very bad. Thus, Watchmen is unwatchable. The fighting sequences were mediocre, the cinematography not super cool, it's really long, and the story, well, you have the graphic novel, so why would I watch this junk? Seriously, I can't get over how wooden everyone was. They literally didn't try. I could freakin' act better than this shit. Oh, and the sex scene? Super awkward and went on for way, way too long. I got my boyfriend to watch some of it, but after that scene, he bailed. I wish I had as well. Honestly, I'm super disappointed that this was produced. The film was there, but none of the actors were.

Watchmen attempts to be a faithful adaptation of a superb piece of work, but falls flat on its face for acting. I was excited to see these characters come to life on the screen, but they weren't. The only thing I liked was the music, but I was disappointed with the use of Jimi Hendrix's rendition of All Along the Watchtower - that song is sacred. Stick to the graphic novel. Seriously.

Also, one last point - I know Dr. Manhattan was able to re-assemble himself and all, but in terms of the physics, how, and how the hell does he teleport? Does he do this faster than the speed of light when he teleports people? He should totally be going off about the quantum physical applications of his reconstructions. He's a physicist, no? From after World War II? This could be done. I would be so down.